Don't worry if you don't find the headline funny right away. Some puns take time to take root and mature, like a fine vine.

Okay, but seriously, the news: Nintendo has announced that the "Metallic Rose" DS Lite, a pinkish sort of model that many may feel compelled to bury in the garden, will become available at retailers "later this month." The model was previously attainable only as part of a Nintendogs bundle.

As of May 19th, you'll be able to see the Rose shown off in commercials which star "celebrity spokespeople" like Carrie Underwood and America Ferrera. Another commercial will feature Liv Tyler, the odd one out with a Crimson/Black DS and a name that doesn't sound completely made up.

[Via DS Fanboy]

It seems I've become the architect of my own failure. Instead of demolishing the skyscraper of untouched games in my living room, I recently and rather foolishly added three more stories to it. Three very involving, convoluted and relentlessly ridiculous stories, mind you, but ones that I've already been through once. With the release of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots close enough for me to start using the word "impending," I thought it was time for a Metal Gear Solid replay.

A word of warning: While I've tried to steer clear of plot-related spoilers, we're talking about a game that's nearly ten years old. FYI, the Titanic sinks at the end.

Things that won't surprise you

April proved to be yet another lucrative month for the ol' gaming biz, with total industry sales reaching $1.23 billion, reports GameDaily. Software sales in particular grew to $654.7 million, an increase of 68% carried on the fine leather seats of Grand Theft Auto IV's recently stolen convertible. Rockstar's urban riffraff romp sold 2.85 million copies -- that's 1.85 million on Xbox 360 and 1 million on PS3 -- while Nintendo's Wii took the top spot in hardware sales. Mario Kart Wii, however, had to settle for second place.

Things that will surprise you

It was a photo finish for the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3, but the photographers had likely packed up and left for the day by the time the steeds reached the finish line. Selling 188K and 187.1K units respectively, the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 were thoroughly bested by the systems that didn't have GTA IV. We'd feel a bit silly if we were them.

- Wii: 714.2K 6.8K (0.94%)
- DS: 414.8K 283.2K (40.6%)
- PSP: 192.7K 104.3K (35.1%)
- Xbox 360: 188K 74K (28.2%)
- PS3: 187.1K 69.9K (27.2%)
- PS2: 124.4K 91.6K (42.4%)

You'll find the top ten in software sales after the break.

While we've known for some time that the "Gun Metal Gray" PlayStation 3 bundle -- featuring a shiny 40GB model, a matching DualShock 3 controller and a Limited Edition copy of geriatric sneakfest, Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots -- would be available to Americans, we didn't know until now that it would only be available to Americans logging onto Konami's website. Online and inevitably scarce pre-orders for the $599.99 package will start on May 19th, so you'd better get clicking if you want Snake and Gray Box to face off in your living room.

No, we mean it. Judging by Konami's labyrinthine sign-up process for the Metal Gear Online Beta, you'll need at least several days to prepare a registration, obtain an ID, convert that into e-currency, trade it in for the microfilm, enter the password, steal the key code, write the secret URL on a postcard and summon Hideo Kojima in an arcane ritual.

Note: This bundle is different from the regular, $499 MGS4 bundle which includes an 80GB PS3 and a DualShock 3.

There it was. A quiet, thoughtful moment, right in the midst of our rat-a-tat assault. There's not much room for unnecessary thought during a drive-by shooting -- aim and pull the trigger, aim and pull the trigger -- but this one provided an odd moment of stillness and clarity. As time slowed to a crawl and a prostitute's unlucky encounter with our front bumper became a slow-motion aerial ballet, we saw the world. Peering out the window at our decaying urban surroundings, we could think of only one question. "What would this be like ... in a game?"

Grand Theft Auto IV attempts to answer that question, reshaping New York City into the architecturally approximate, but satirically scathing Liberty City. Flickr user (and blogger) Matthew Johnston has created a photo set that compares the Big Apple to its rotten, in-game core, with various real and virtual landmarks placed side by side. We think you should check it out.

Alright, that's it. Nobody is allowed to describe any aspect of their game as "bigger and better" anymore. Let's try and expand that promotional vocabulary, people. Let's go for, "Hey, my game is greater and grander!" Or perhaps, "My game's online mode is sicker and more substantial!"

That's roughly what Epic designer, CliffyB, had to say about Gears of War 2's cooperative mode when Shacknews asked about four-player action. "We're not announcing anything about co-op at this time, we'll probably get around to it around E3 time, but rest assured, it will be bigger and better," he teased.

On a related note, Bleszinski did tell us that the saw-tastic sequel's multiplayer mode would at least benefit from a party system this time around. "I think that if we were not to have a feature like that, it would probably be a pretty big f*ckup." As for missing out on four-player Locust culling? That would be a bigger and better f*ckup, surely.

It's becoming increasingly difficult for us to shamble out of bed and avoid stubbing our toe on some unconfirmed list of Xbox 360 features, fixes, enhancements and/or tweaks meant for the system's Spring dashboard update. Though we usually avoid the ones promising "full compatibility with Metal Gear Solid 4" or "online racial slur filters," this latest one proved unavoidable. Thank you, dear tipster, for leaving a concrete block at the base of our bed.

You'll find the "incomplete" list of unconfirmed features after the break, though we'll draw your attention to two in particular. "Calibration options for motion sensor devices." That certainly brings to mind the numerous Newtonian rumors of a Microsoft waggle wand we've encountered over the last few weeks. As for allowing games to "store installation data on Storage Device for faster loading?" We'll go make a sandwich while you guys discuss.

Update: Microsoft says: "We don't comment on rumors or speculation, but what we can tell you is we've never seen this list before."

Since it won't go anywhere near the Wii Fit balance board and is extremely likely to die during a heated workout, your obese Xbox 360 isn't going to get thinner in its lifetime. No, that's what the "Xbox 540" replacement is for, claims TG Daily. The site reckons that Microsoft will release a "mid-cycle refresh" of the system in Fall 2009, one built around a new and more compact "Valhalla" internal chipset. (Have we introduced you to Jasper yet?)

The shrinking of innards will reportedly allow a redesign of the system's exterior, much like the PlayStation 2's second iteration. Our fancy next-gen games may be getting bigger on the screen, but much like our Wiis, it seems we'll end up with something smaller to play with. On. Play games on. Multiplayer games. Curses! is there any way out of that one?

Update: Microsoft says it has "no plans to release a new console in 2009."

[Via X3F]

Marking the return of one of gaming's most agile assassins, Ninja Gaiden II seems poised to satisfy our increasingly alarming desire for a good, old-fashioned lopping of limbs. It's true that series protagonist and demon antagonist, Ryu Hayabusa, isn't the most subtle of ninjas -- his technique is about as stealthy as a piano rolling down a flight of stairs -- but he gets the job done.

On a related note, Microsoft has announced that the game will be receiving its first batch of gamerpics (100 MS points per pack) and themes (150 MS points per pack) today. Perhaps we'll be able to collect all the severed in-game arms and legs and use them as payment?

Ninja Gaiden II is out in the US on June 3rd.

Microsoft has politely informed us that next week's Xbox Live Arcade game is none other than Penny Arcade Adventures: On the Rain-Slick Precipice of Darkness, Episode One. It should be out by the time you're done saying the title, then. Developed by Hothead Games, in collaboration with mighty adventure game designer, Ron Gilbert, and the folks behind Penny Arcade, the game sees Gabe and Tycho leap out of their webcomic frames and into an episodic RPG adventure.

Even at 1,600 MS Points ($20), we don't think anything short of a clawshrimp attack will keep us away from this one.

You've seen the leaked Xbox 360 screenshots of his next awesomely alliterative adventure, but perhaps you weren't quite sure what the bear with a bird in his backpack was doing in any of them. According to numerous online reports (here's one and here's another), Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts sees the eponymous creature exploring "Showdown Town" and collecting parts to assemble all manner of physics-based, LEGO-like vehicles. The game's vehicle editor is said to be accessible at any point, meaning that the last thingamabob you picked up (one of 1,600) might just have a use in, say, a helicopter. Or a hovercraft.

The unconfirmed word (we're just waiting for Microsoft to officially blast out all this info at its Gamer's Day today) confirmed word is that we'll get to be the bear with a bird in a backpack building a bulldozer this November. Be sure to spy the game's debut trailer after the break.

Read -- Official announcement
Read -- Kombo.com
Read -- NeoGAF, who else?
Read -- More on vehicle construction

Honestly, this post went up for two reasons:

1. We really wanted to use the above image again. It's like Tim Curry is clawing his way out of the page!
   
2. We genuinely thought you'd be interested to see some screenshots of the Wii and DS versions of EA's well-received Skate.

Skate It promises to fully adapt the franchise's controls for Nintendo's platforms, with the Wii version supporting both the Wii remote and the Wii Balance Board, ideal for "the full on immersive types."

Speaking to VideoGamer, The Force Unleashed Xbox 360 and PS3 producer, Cameron Suey, has said that LucasArts is planning a demo of the highly anticipated stormtrooper torture sim, just in case there are some weirdos out there who aren't sold on playing as Darth Vader. "I'm not certain about the specifics, but we definitely want to get this game out into people's hands," said Suey. "There are people who are excited about it, who are going to play it right away, whether they play it (the demo) or not."

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed hits, chokes and levitates just about every platform in the galaxy on September 16th in the United States, September 17th in Southeast Asia and Australia, and September 19th in Europe.

We've already blown the whistle on several new projects that may be announced at Microsoft's Gamer's Day tomorrow, with "Ninja Blade" and "Lips" being the most nebulous of the bunch. We still don't know what the former is, but 8Bit Joystick has shared a couple of thoughts on the latter matter. The site states that "Lips" is, in fact, the codename for a new Xbox peripheral, and speculates that it could be a voice input device (karaoke microphone?) or some method of in-game voice recognition.

For now, we'll go with, "Hmm, intriguing." Let's hope Microsoft drops the balm tomorrow and fills us in on these ... e-lips ...

[Thanks, Jake]

We're afraid the sequel to Assault Heroes is still not an open-ended, city-dwelling game where you're tasked with punching firemen and war veterans. Sierra Online's Assault Heroes 2, which is scheduled to demolish the Xbox Live Arcade lineup this Wednesday, is very much in line with 2006's omni-directional shooter, though we suspect we won't be able to make jokes about a broken multiplayer mode this time.

Instead, we'll have to deliver punchlines that involve the sequel's more destructive weaponry, ability to hi-jack enemy vehicles and high volume of "relentless enemies and outrageous bosses." And sometimes, it has all of that, with two-player co-op ... in space! It's yours for 800 MS Points ($10).